How To Deal With Rejection, Part 2}
- Click Here To Find Out More About:
- Corporate Skills Training South Africa
Submitted by: Clem McGrath
How to Deal With Rejection, part 2
I mentioned in part 1 that when we are rejected we have to deal not only with the emotional pain but also the conclusions and beliefs that may get stuck in our thinking. Everyone has been conditioned by life and have taken on many beliefs, some of which serve us while some dont. When something painful happens we tend to automatically use it as evidence that our limiting belief is true and we end up with a second level of pain caused by believing that is the truth about us.
Many people carry a range of limiting relationship beliefs that can be triggered i this way. Some common ones are:
I cant get my needs met.
Im not good enough.
Im not worthy of him, or her, or love.
I always mess up relationships.
I never get it right.
Ill never find happiness.
Im too old, fat, emotional, independent (put your own words in there.)
I cant trust men / women.
Its not safe to show my true self.
I have to be perfect to be accepted.
Heres how it works. Lets imagine you carry the belief I always mess up relationships, and you end up being rejected. The belief will tempt you to blame yourself and you will see all that you did wrong until he or she finally left you, and theres the proof that you mess up relationships. What you do not see is that it may have very little to do with you.
The other person will have their limiting beliefs, patterns and fears, and they may very well have been simply acting them out. It is important to learn from the experience and identify how you can do it differently next time but that is very different from blaming yourself for it all and reinforcing your belief that you have messed up yet again.
Lets imagine you carry the very common belief that I have to be perfect to be accepted. So you are in the relationship,, and you know all too well that you are not perfect, simply because nobody is. But then you get rejected, and that again becomes evidence that you were not perfect enough and therefore he or she had to reject you.
You can apply this analysis to all the above beliefs and see how easy it is to get stuck in your belief, and then form conclusions that deepen and prolong your suffering, such as:
Ill never find happiness.
Theres no point in trying.
Ill never find the right person.
I have to try harder next time.
Whats wrong with me.
Im destined for a life of loneliness.
So, is there a way out of all this? There definitely is and there is some honest work to be done. We tend to make our beliefs the truth and therefore seldom question or challenge them. However, beliefs are never the truth. If you make any of the above beliefs the truth about you then you are selling yourself short in a major way. Your nature is not fixed by instinct and you have the ability to change anything abut yourself. You may have developed some patterns that seem to be evidence of the belief but they can be changed. What is true remains. If it can be changed there is the proof right there that it is not the truth that you are stuck with.
Here are some helpful steps you can take:
1. Go through the above list and identify any that apply to you,
or any others you have that are not on the list.
2. Remind yourself it is just a belief and not necessarily the
3. Recognise any patterns you play out and how they may have
created challenges in the relationship.
4. Drop your awareness down into your body and get in touch with
how it feels to believe that.
5. Feel the vulnerability, or fear, or tension, or whatever it is
6. Place your hand on that area and send love to the feeling and
to you who are suffering with this.
7. Keep doing this until you feel a shift in your energy and the
8. If it is just a belief it can be changed so think of a belief
that would serve you better.
9. Say this out loud as you continue to hold your hand on the
10. How would it feel to completely believe this new thought.
11. Be aware there may be some resistance because the old belief
has been your truth for a long time.
12. Imagine how it could feel if you woke up tomorrow morning
completely believing this new belief.
13. Keep affirming it until you start to feel that better energy.
14. Breathe it right through your body.
15. Do this every day for at least three weeks.
There are quite a few steps to remember here but the process is simple. Read through all the points three or four times until you know the sequence and then practise it. There are two aspects to this practice. The first is the formal one of sitting down and going through the whole exercise, and the second is practising vigilance with the old belief. The old belief may still pop in when you are not expecting it. Many things can happen in a day that immediately tempt you to go back to the old belief. You need to catch yourself and say, No, that is my old belief which I no longer believe. This is my new belief. And then affirm the new belief and breathe its energy right through you.
The final point to be aware of is tha actions speak louder than words. We convince our subconscious by acting on what we believe and want. So find some simple things you can start to do that are more aligned with the new belief than the old one. You do not have to radically change everything but you will need to stretch yourself at least a little bit as you adopt a new self image and new behaviours that support it.
That degree of discomfort is nothing compared to the incredible gains you will make in your personal happiness and your ability to sustain a relationship tht can truly sizzle and sparkle.
It can feel daunting to change such deeply ingrained patterns and beliefs so feel free to contact me by email or through the website and I will be happy to support you in whatever way is possible.
About the Author: Clement McGrath brings 32 years of coaching and mentoring experience and a wealth of knowledge to his work. Clement has worked in a variety of roles that have all involved supporting people to reach their full potential and live the life of their dreams. He has conducted his own private practice for 32 years, has facilitated youth work in a non-profit organisation, has been a contracted provider to a major government department, and director of Life Coach Associates since 2001. After facilitating Life Coach Associates coach training program for 10 years, he recently stepped aside from that position to focus on creating a variety of programmes that are more accessible to a wider audience. These include, Relationship Rescue, How to Harness Your Yes Power, How to Increase Your Energy and Achieve More, Find Your voice: How to Communicate Confidently and Effectively, and Awakening to Infinity: A Course in Self Realisation. He is available for private consultations and public speaking, and can create customised programmes to address the specific needs of groups and organisations.Clement is a qualified Breath Therapist, and has studied extensively in the areas of Effective Communication, Human Creativity, Principles of Peak Performance and Success, and Mythology and its Modern Applications.He has co-authored the book, The Way to Freedom, and is currently completing a major book on relationships that he intends to have published in 2015.Clement lives in Christchurch, New Zealand, with his partner Heather Fletcher.Contacts for Clement are:
firstname.lastname@example.org 3 355 22970064 272 033 694